Shredding Down Memory Lane

Sometimes you get to that stopping point after you have moved a lot and realize that you really need to get rid of things that have been being shuffled from one place to another. Well, that is where I found myself this morning as I sat in my Diva Den surrounded by piles of papers awaiting a good shredding. It was way past due and there were quite a few things that were past the seven year mark. So, no time like the present to dive right in.

Bit by bit I waded through the see of my history. A copy of my birth certificate with the first information about who I was and the name with which I came into the world. I found my first three apartment lease agreements (and wow, was rent cheap back in the beginning). Following college, I moved from Charlottesville to Bristol, CT and lived in three places in three years; the first two places were sold right from under me forcing me to move. Third time was a charm when I moved into a place that wasn't going to be sold - an apartment next to the laundry room in a multilevel brick building. After that, I found the purchase papers I signed with my now husband for our first house. This discovery was followed by our next lease for the townhome we rented when we moved to Virginia. And the hits just kept coming with a slew of business cards, expired membership cards, tax returns and the draft of the first letter I wrote to my now in-laws introducing myself as their son's new girlfriend. That was not an easy letter to write for all the reasons those close to us know. 

 In those piles of papers was about twenty-seven years worth of sheet by sheet memories. It's wild that it's been that long and, yet, as I was sifting through the pile it felt like so much of it happened just yesterday. 27 years, 12 residences, 5 workplaces, 4 states, almost 16 years of marriage, 1 kid, student loan documents, daycare to middle school forms, and 2 large bag of confetti memories on which to build new ones.

"Thanks"giving 2021

Well, it’s been a year filled with ups, downs, all arounds and definitely some exhaustion. With that said, there is still a lot to be thankful for.  

I am thankful for the family I was born into and the one I created. My history and heritage has shaped who I am. I am my ancestors' wildest dreams.  

I am thankful for all the years I had with my big brother. I miss him every day.  

I am thankful for the friends who been in my life for a season and the ones who are like family. Thanks for being along the journey with me.  

I am thankful for a career that challenges and fulfills me. Every day it gives me an opportunity to stretch and grow while investing in the development of young people.  

I am thankful for my colleagues and students - past and present. I have learned so much from you all.  

I am thankful for the experiences I have had in my life that have contributed to a full life.  I am thankful for all the times I have stepped out of my comfort zone or just went for it. So many lessons learned through those journeys.  

I am thankful for Novembers and each birthday I have on this earth.  

I am thankful for my favorite foods that brings me a lot of comfort and always make me feel like I’m home with family - mac-n-cheese, MD steamed crabs, air popped popcorn, sweet potato pie (just to name a few). I am also thankful for my morning English Breakfast tea that gets each day started in just the right way.  

I am thankful for downtime that allows me to rest, relax and recharge.  

I am thankful for books that entertain and educate. I am thankful for my tv shows and movies that allow me to immerse myself in the stories of others.  

I am thankful for connection and community, including my SoMi Jack and Jill mothers, the Alpha Kappa Alpha sisterhood and for my PDO Spring '21 line sisters. 

May each day ahead be filled with love, laughter, friendship, family, healing and peace. Here’s to a blessed holiday season and to all the unexpected joys that lay ahead. 

Since I was 3, We've Been 4

Since I was three years old, we've always been a quartet of Anyaso siblings led by our big brother Vincent. There is an eight year difference between my oldest brother and my baby brother. I hold the third spot on our squad (3rd oldest or 2nd youngest depending on how you see it). Vincent's leadership of our squad was by no means traditional. No, he led by showing us what not to do. 

• Don't ride your bike so fast down the alley hill that you scare your siblings. 
  
• Don't drive the family Volvo station wagon into your neighbor's (aka mother's colleague) cinderblock wall when you're 14 years old. 
• Don't be held accountable so much by your high school that your aunt could have driven cross country with all the miles she put on her car driving to your school (Thanks SSFS for letting him graduate)
• Don't have the best freshman college year socially, but consider doing the work as optional. 

However, on second thought, perhaps Vincent wasn't just showing us what not to do, but how to do it in your own way in your own time. 

• Sometimes you have to enjoy being a kid and the rush of flying down the bike on your bike
• When driving, it's important to slow down before you take that turn and being able to drive stick shift will come in handy. 
• When you push, you learn how far you can take it and who believes in you no matter what. 
• Not everyone is ready to go to college immediately after high school. Perhaps a career in the U.S. Marine Corps is a better education so that when you are ready, you will not only finish college, but go to law school and be the valedictory speaker at your law school graduation. 

To say the last three years have been hard is an understatement. My six days sitting with him in the hospital in 2018, included talking to him, playing music, reading the paper to him, and hoping that while he could not communicate with me, perhaps he could still hear me and maybe he’d just wake up. I spent so many days going and praying. It’s been over three years since I’ve heard his voice, his laugh, or his "what’s happening’? What’s crackin’.

There is so much that’s happened in my life the past three years that he doesn’t even know, but of which he would be so proud. We often talked about the ways in which we were alike, such as our committment to our family, investment in our careers or even the way we stay in touch with people over the years and across continents. Now to be honest, we were more different than we were alike, but as we got older it’s the similarities that seem to resonate more. As someone who liked to do things on his own terms and in his own way, it only seems fitting that today, Veteran's Day, was his last day on this earth; a day that meant a lot to him. He loved and served his country, his Marine Corps, and, most of all, his family. I miss my big brother. While he’s no longer with us on this earth, I know he and my Aunt Shelly are watching over us. Rest in Peace and in Power, GySgt Vincent Chiedum Anyaso, JD. Semper Fidelis!

Enough!

So many emotions swirl within me. At any given time, I am experiencing one or more of these emotions - sadness, fear, helplessness, disappointment, frustration, pain, fatigue. The one constant has been that I have felt beaten down and I am tired. I am tired of seeing the treatment of people who look like me. I am tired of seeing people outraged and then nothing changes as people move on with their daily lives because they can. They don’t have to carry the weight of thinking about how what they or their child looks like could put them in harms way. And then add having to wear a mask that is meant to protect you....

My fatigue comes from continuing to see these events on repeat. Loss of black life. Loss of one's humanity. People calling the police on black citizens just trying to live their lives. Treating us like we don't belong. What is it about us that does not look the part? What does it look like to belong? Can we not be birdwatchers too? When will things change? The magnitude of it all is overwhelming. I try to combat those feelings by controlling what I can control. I come from a people and parents whose strength and conviction have made change. What do I ask those of you with privilege? I ask you to step up, speak out, educate yourselves, educate your children and really take action. I will continue to educate my own child as his history is not thoroughly taught in schools. In the face of all that is going on, I have to teach him how to be safe out in the world, that his mere existence should never be viewed as a threat and to be proud of who he is as a black child.

I am saddened by history on repeat. The racial trauma and stress deepens the pain and takes its toll.

I am disappointed by the silence of some of my non-black family, friends and those I've worked with over the years. This is not a time for silence. Silence and inaction is complicity. Thank you to those who are stepping up and speaking out. Keep taking steps to do the real self work by reading, discussing, digging deep, donating, marching, acting, and voting. Please do not stop and check the box when you think the dust has settled. The work doesn't end because there is a lot to be done.

I know that while what I really want to do is curl up and take a day completely for myself, I am a mother and a principal. I know I have to show up each day despite the pain and weight of all of this because I have a job to do, but this doesn’t mean I am not mentally and emotionally drained. So in case you were really wondering, but hadn’t thought to ask, reach out or offer support - no, I’m not okay. I'm tired and hurting.

On this Mother’s Day...

Mother’s Day is one on which we honor our mothers for all that they have done for us - the love, nurturing, sacrifice, opportunities and lessons. Sometimes, we don’t even know the lessons we are learning until much later. From my mother, I learned about the power of one’s voice and strength during times of adversity. My mom has always known what she’s stood for and used her voice as a civil rights activist, as a U.S. civil servant, as a U.S. Foreign Service officer and as a black woman in so many spaces that were, at times, overtly or covertly unwelcoming. She’s never shied away from speaking up and speaking out. She has always been unapologetically herself. She knew she had a responsibility when she was in the room and at the table. She showed strength during times like 9/11 and vulnerable strength during the loss of her parents, her sister and the unexpected health event of her first son (my brother). My mother has shown me how to get back up when you’ve been knocked down.

From her mom, my mom learned strength, the importance of community, the value of education and to not anyone dim your light or make you feel small. My grandmother was not a college graduate, but she was wise, warm and no joke nonetheless.

I am the daughter of Claudia, daughter of Louise. I couldn’t be more proud to stand on the shoulders of so many amazing and strong black women.

"We can't afford to wait for the world to be equal to start feeling seen...You’ve got to find the tools within yourself to start to feel visible and to be heard and to use your voice." - Michelle Obama

Say a prayer...

"Please say a prayer for my dad who has to go to work every day."

I overheard my son say this to his classmates during Sacred Studies class yesterday. It was the first time I had heard my son express concern or a need for support during this global pandemic we are all living through. 

During our shared work and school from home time, we’ve been having lots of conversations. We cover a range of topics from memes to school to Coronavirus. Early on when we talked about COVID-19, he shared that he’s doing alright and not worried about getting gravely ill because of his age. We also talked about missing school and friends. We’ve talked about the economic impact this situation is having on people and families. We’ve talked about the discriminatory way some people have been treating those of Asian heritage. We’ve talked about our family members who work in the health care field and those who are more vulnerable due to age or a medical condition. We had not talked about my husband/his dad going to work each day. 

Throughout this stay at home order, my son has been a trooper. He’s been in good spirts and has been taking it all in stride considering what going on in the world. Or so I thought. I’ve been focused on his transition to virtual fifty grade. I’ve been focused on my school’s and students’ transition to remote learning. I’ve been thinking about all that my students may be navigating and worried about during this time. I had not paused to look beyond my son’s chill and business as usual exterior to see his worry about his dad getting sick because he leaves the home for work each day. I know this worry does’t consume my son, but it’s there and it’s real. While there is so much related to this global pandemic that I can not control, we are doing our part to stay safe and I will be wrapping my arms around my little one much more often. 

Our New Normal

This global health crisis we are all watching unfold still feels a bit surreal. Friends and family in different states and in different countries spending day in and day out at home. This is not a reality I ever wanted to see or experience, but here we are. I find myself having to shut off the news so that I’m not inundated with the everything. For the most part, I am doing the best I can to navigate the day with work and my son’s homeschooling (he’s been a real trooper so far; we’ll see how we do when the cabin fever really sets in). Every now and then moments of worry wash over me. I know I’m not alone in this. Right now, everyone is worried about someone’s health, job or livelihood. I’ve had friends laid off and those whose businesses have suffered a big hit. I have family members in the health care field. My parents are of a vulnerable age and my eldest brother is in a hospice. Then there are the students, families and colleagues who are navigating all of this too. It can become a lot if we don’t temper our information intake, compartmentalize when necessary, practice self-care and identify the positives within our days.

It’s times like these when you have find the good and there is a lot out there. Examples of kindness and generosity between neighbors or strangers. We’ve seen virtual dance parties, workouts and performance. We’ve seen people rally to create birthday caravans for a child whose birthday party had to be canceled. We’ve seen the selflessness of our health care professionals who are on the front lines. We’ve also seen the true dedication of educators committed to educating and caring for their students. This is community.

Moving to a new city far away from family and friends has made this time a bit more difficult since I’m still trying to build community and find my people. Luckily, I’ve moved enough in my life to that that just takes time (lessons learned from the foreign service brat life). However, in these few short (but long feeling) weeks of social distancing, I’ve done some reframing. We’ve been asked to keep our physical distance, but social connection is still important. Thank goodness for phones, Face Time and other technology. I’ve been able to Zoom chat with nine of my college friends at the same time, FaceTime with a longtime friend in the northeast, and What’s App video chat with two friends - one in Haiti and one in Canada; the last time the three of us were together was in Port Au Prince in seventh grade. People come together in times of hardship and uncertainty.

This time is also for familial connection and introspection. In the past week and change, I’ve dusted off my journal, started a puzzle, read, gotten out my adult coloring book and taken walks with my son. The online home workouts have been fun and served as PE in my son’s school schedule (Thanks Planet Fitness and Yoga with Adrienne). They also reminded just how out of shape I am. I’ve tuned in to a couple of IG dance parties (shout out to DJ D-Nice and DJ Quiana Parks), danced with the real Debbie Allen, and evening popped in to do an evening mediation led by an alum of my high school. People’s generosity of spirit and time has been inspiring. As we navigate our ways through this, I hope that the positives of each day and the kindness we extend to each other continues. May you be well and stay healthy. We are all in this together and if you need/want to chat I’m just a phone call or video chat away.  The way through is by leaning on each other, finding bright spots in each day, staying connected (while physically distant) and by not being too hard on ourselves. It’s okay to not be okay sometimes. We will all have those moments. Just remember to look for the good and make time to laugh.

Finally, a friend me sent this image that has also been circulating around social media recently. While I often take these things with a grain of salt, I figure why not engage. In taking a quick moment to scan for the first three words, it apparently revealed what I'll need for the upcoming weeks: Gratitude. Connection. Strength.