Until Next Year PoCC....

On the eve of my re-entry after PoCC, I write my final conference post. First of all, thank you PoCC family for a wonderful reunion, for filling my bucket, and for continuing to breathe life into me. I drew so much knowledge, energy, and inspiration from our days together. We often talk about the importance of self-care and let me tell you, coming to PoCC is Self-care with a capital S. As a parent, I try to help my son understand the difference between needs and wants. PoCC is a need. It helps recharge the batteries and centers me in a way that allows me to keep doing the work.

Now that we are all returning to our schools, we must continue to think about how we can help move our schools forward in their diversity, equity, and inclusion (DEI) efforts. Now, let me clarify that this charge is not the sole responsibility of the educators from marginalized backgrounds. We need everyone invested in the work. The help we can offer is by sharing our truths, our experiences, and our lens. We need to be, as Marian Wright Edelman said, "strategic fleas and good pests" when it comes to diversity, equity, and inclusion (DEI) work. So what can schools start (or continue doing)?

Schools can:

• Look in the mirror at themselves and say, how can we do better? And then start doing better. 
• Dedicate institutional resources to this work (i.e. time, money, space). Priorities are shown by where we put our resources.
• Demonstrate the administration's support by moving from the opt-in DEI professional development to a mandatory model which means whole school accountability. 
• Knowing that students who experience a true sense of belonging in their school communities have positive social and academic outcomes means questioning what in our schools inhibits students' sense of belonging. We need to make sure we are intentional about fostering a sense of belonging for each student. (NMH's Stephanie Harris and Thérèse Collins session gave us the definition of belonging as "a sense of community and acceptance a student feels in school". Brené Brown states "fitting in is about being accepted for being like everyone else, belonging is about being accepted for being yourself.")
• And to quote Dr. Hill in his closing keynote speech, schools need to know that "it is nothing for us to have a inclusive community aesthetically and demographically if the core of the institution still looks the same."

Finally, in our final affinity group session, we were asked to think about what kindness we need to show to ourselves and what kindness can we ask others to do for us.

Me to Me

• Just breathe
• Make sure to prioritize my needs (i.e. put on my oxygen mask first)

Kindness others can do for me

• Please do the work to educate yourselves. There are plenty of really helpful articles, books, podcasts, videos, professional development opportunities. We use these types of resources when honing our craft in our academic disciplines so we can grow our knowledge, strengthen our practice, and address our gaps. The same approach works when it comes to DEI work. 
• Go from ally to accomplice. What that means is "an ally will mostly engage in activism by standing with an individual or group in a marginalized community. An accomplice will focus more on dismantling the structures that oppress that individual or group--and such work will be directed by the stakeholders in the marginalized group." (Colleen Clemens, "Ally or Accomplice: The Language of Activism" Teaching Tolerance, June 5, 2017, https://bit.ly/2Sqrnmm)
• See me

Looking forward to reuniting with everyone next year in Seattle for PoCC 2019! Until then, be a powerful force for positive change and keep keeping it real.

The Power of Words at POCC

I have a confession.

While I meant every word of my first blog post of the conference, I wasn't necessarily feeling my own words. It actually took walking into the Grand Ballroom for the POCC opening ceremony for the emotion of my words to hit me. The true beauty of our family reunion POCC moved me to tears. The energy and excitement of the 6300+ POCC and SDLC attendees was palpable as we all geared up to do the work. The Tennessee State University Aristocrats of Band had everyone up on their feet as they brought down the house with their performance.

The Aristocrats of Bands' performance was only the start of something great. More greatness came as speakers dropped some serious gems on us.

Gems dropped...
"Allow students to keep shaping and shaking our school communities." - Donna Orem

"Reclaim our time, talent, treasure, and testimony." - Collinus Newsome

"We came here to be fortified, so we can go back and do the work we need to do." - Rodney Glasgow

"Now that you know, you can't pretend that you don't." - Lisa Ling sharing Oprah's advice to her

When people give us gems, we can't just sit back and admire them. We must string them together to create something new, powerful, and beautiful. Words can stay words if we let them, but what a waste that would be. We need to use these words and so many others that we hear throughout the day to fuel action and inspire change in our schools.

So my POCC family, what will you do with all the gems you hear?

POCC - A Family Reunion

On the eve of the official launch of POCC, I can't help but feel like I've just arrived at a family reunion. The family reunion you have when you have a ginormous family and you're happy to see everyone.

After not being able to attend POCC the past two years, I couldn't wait to finally make my return. For me, POCC is about the people, the amazing energy, the connecting, and the reconnecting. POCC is personal and professional development. It's a place where we can refill our buckets. Many of us may be one of a few people of color (or the only) at our schools and that can take a toll. When I come to POCC, it's like reuniting with family. I get to walk into spaces filled with a sea of beautiful black and brown faces and I belong.

Over the next few days, Nashville's Music City Center will be home to welcome hugs, hearty laughter, old friends catching up, new friendships being built, deep conversations, knowledge sharing, and lots and lots of real talk. The learning, affirmation, inspiration, fellowship, and ability to be unapologetically yourself feeds the soul.

Throughout the conference, I'll be blogging about my experience, sharing my reflections, and bringing you along with me to my POCC family reunion.

"Thanks"giving 2018

Some traditions are worth carrying on. Back in high school, we had an all school assembly right before the November break where students expressed their gratitude for the various people, places, and things in touched their life. Some sentiments were thoughtful, some were heartwarming, and some were completely nonsensical (but really who are we to judge). Either way we all looked forward to that assembly each year. It's been quite a while since high school for me, but I still carry on the Madeira School assembly tradition of giving thanks and expressing gratitude each year with post.

I am grateful for my family. We have been on many adventures together and weathered some storms, but through it all we are always there for each other. We may not be perfect and we may not always agree, but we come together when it counts and we Anyasos are definitely a force to be reckoned with.

I am grateful for the family I created. There's no manual for how to be good partners or parents and even if there was, it would be outdated as soon as it was publish. The rules are always changing and there is no one way to do it right. So we figure it out and we learn from our missteps, but most of all we keep love and each other at the center of it all.

I am grateful for having a job that is not just a job, but my purpose. I get to learn, grow, and reflect every day.

I am grateful for books. I love books and I fully admit that I have a book problem as evidenced by the talk pile of books at my bedside. I embrace the learning, windows, mirrors, and sliding doors that books give me.

I am grateful for all those things in my life from the simple to the complicated that fill me with joy, including podcasts, momcation, movies in the theater, volleyball, nonchocolate candy, quotes that really speak to me, comfort foods, reading aloud with my son, laughter, and so much more.

I am grateful for the trials and tribulations of life. We all get bumps and bruises along the way, but that does not take away from the wonderful moments we experience.

I am grateful for my imperfections because they remind me that I'm human and keep me humble. They also remind me to be kind to myself because I don't need to be perfect to be amazing.

I am grateful for my staying friends. Friends come and go. Some longtime friendships may fade and while we are glad to have been blessed with those relationships, we have to okay okay letting them go. I am grateful for the time we had together and even more for those friends have been there through and through.

I am grateful for my students - past and present. Our time together are filled with ups, downs, and all around. We may not always see eye to eye, but you challenge me in many of the best ways and I learn from you each day. It's a privilege to get to be on a part of your journey with you and I love seeing you grow, come into your own, discover your voice, explore your passions, and be at peace with just being yourself. Be bold. Be brave. Be you. Don't take your time together for granted and always make the time to take care of yourself - mind, body, and spirit.

I am grateful for community. As someone who lives far from family, I am truly grateful for those friends, colleagues, and Jack & Jill mother members who embraced me like family.

I am grateful for sunrises, sunsets, good food, good health, and good people. We only get one life and I am grateful to wake up each morning with one goal - make the most of each day and live my best life.

"You Don't Have To Be Perfect To Be Amazing"

Sometimes you hear something that speaks life into you. It touches your head, heart, and soul. That is what the below quote did when I recently heard it for the first time from Danielle Brown, the National President of Jack and Jill of America, Inc. As someone who loves quotes, it's hard to believe that I had never heard this one before, but I digress. She spoke those words and not only did they resonate with me, it released me. It released me from how we mothers beat ourselves up for those times when we've dropped the ball, couldn't attend something, or (over)reacted instead of responded. It released me from those times as a dean when I didn't have all the answers, had a conversation go poorly, or couldn't make it to a student performance. We are so hard on ourselves that we keep letting the narrative playing in our head (on repeat) tell us that we have to do it all and do it all well. That voice is basically saying "don't screw it up." How can you live up to the societal expectations of what success looks like when it comes to your career, parenthood, marriage, and everything other role you play in your day-to-day life? How exhausting and completely unattainable. 

Let me tell you, I have forgotten to make my son's lunch the night before (and perhaps, even forgotten to pick him up from the bus stop). I have left the house with a few wrinkles in my dress and my hair out of place. I have double booked myself with meetings at work. I have mailed a birthday card late. I have picked my son up for the bus and realized that perhaps he shouldn't have been allowed to pick out his clothes that day. I could give you a laundry list of tasks on which I have fallen short, but what purpose does that really serve? All it does is leave me disappointed and feeling like a failure because it seems like everyone else has it together. Well, guess what? We need to stop the nonesense because it's not true. They don't have it all together. We are all just trying the best we can. Sometimes we mess it up, but more often than not we get it awesomely right (or more realistically, we're on the right track). In the end, we have to remember that we get to decide the narrative that's going to play in our head and frankly, "you don't have to be perfect to be amazing" is the one I'll be playing from here on out. On repeat!

Upping My Self-Care Game

I talk a pretty good self-care game and for the most part I walk my talk. The thing is that it's easier to talk a good game when you're just dealing with your "normal" busyness of life. However, when life throws you some curveballs and taps into your energy source in different ways, your go-to self-care plan may not be enough or, at least, how well you care for yourself needs to be revisited. 

I write this as I sit in the airport in Washington D.C. waiting to board the plane home from my momcation. My "normal" busyness mostly involves juggling my roles of dean, wife, mother and all that comes with that. Yes, there can be some hectic days and emotional days and down right exhausting days, but I've learned to navigate those. It's not always graceful, but it works. 

What I have come to realize is that when life happens unexpectedly, that's when your self-care plan is really tested. You must take the time to evaluate just how well you're taking care of yourself. As someone who often thinks of and tries to take of others, putting myself first when I'm trying to distract myself from my thoughts is not so simple. It's not as easy as watching Hallmark movies with a bowl of popcorn (which I do enjoy).  I realized that I had lapsed in some of my self-care practices that I really needed to employ, such as journaling,keeping up my walks, and playing volleyball. Journaling comes in handy because it always me to put my thoughts and feelings somewhere. Writing has always been a way to help me express myself and process life. Walking gets me moving outside in nature and gives me time to just breathe.Volleyball is just the best sport ever and a great way to get out aggresdion. I'm not saying that I need to abandon my movie watching or an occasional spa treatment or even my momcation. I'm saying that sometimes sitting with one's thoughts is healthier that occupying oneself in order to distract from life's challenges. Actually, the truth is the busyness isn't really a distraction because my worry about my older brother's condition and when he'll regain consciousness never leaves me. When I'm a little extra tired at the day, it's because that worry is always with me. It's not something you can shake off or ignore. So I don't. I chose when I can and can't go there. 

My momcation is about taking care of myself because I step away from the day to day busyness, make my own schedule (or not), and just do me. This year doing me looked like catching up with old friends, spending four hours at the National Museum of African American Heritage and Culture, having afternoon tea with a former student, and being able to sleep diagonally in my king size hotel bed. I didn't distract myself, I just experienced and appreciated where I was and who was with me. I traversed through the city streets in the rain and instead of complaining about my sogginess, took in the beauty of the city, reveled in the fact that it was super cold, laughed at my sogginess, and patted myself on the back for not getting lost. I filled my bucket. 

So what now as I return home? I will write. I will walk. I will connect. I will play. I will take as many hugs from my son as he'll give me. I will cry when I need to. I will laugh. I will make the time to be alone. I will talk about things when I need to talk about things. I will up my self-care game by putting myself first when necessary. Upping my game means being intentional, mindful, and remembering to just breathe. 

One Year Later....

It's been a year. It's been a year since the Unite the Right rally in Charlottesville. 

What I have seen in the past year is a schoolmate of mine killed at the hands of hate and I've seen an uptick in incidents of people of color being told they do not belong. Incident after incident of black people having the police called on them while they are just trying to live their lives. Each call says "nope, you can't do that." 

Nope, you can't sell lemonade. 

Nope, you can't campaign for reelection. 

Nope, you can't use this pool. 

Nope, you can't go into your house. 

Nope, you can't mow the lawn. 

Nope, you can't sit and wait in Starbucks.  

Nope, you can't barbecue in the park. 

Nope, you can't stand in the doorway when it's raining. 

Nope, you can't eat lunch at your school. 

Nope, you can't take a nap in your dorm common room. 

Nope, no footlong for you. 

Nope, you can't look at the house you invested in and want to flip. 

Nope, you can't buy candy. 

Nope. Nope. Nope. It's exhausting. 

It's easy to watch these incidents from a distance and shake your head in disappointment and sadness. However, they are not at a distance. This has happened to people I know while they were canvassing door-to-door in their district and while at the country club where they're a member. So when you are black like me you wonder, am I next?

This is what I carry with me as I go into each day. This is what many people from marginalized backgrounds carry with them each day. This is what some of my students will be carrying with them as they return for a new school year and as we all just try to exist in this world. It can be quite heavy to carry this load day in and day out.  These instances of the police being called on black people trying to live their lives is like having the message "you don't belong here" being screamed at you over and over again. It's also a loud reminder that people do see color and have been reacting accordingly. 

Being black should not be a crime and my existence should not make someone nervous or suspicious. I spend a lot in time in spaces where I am one of a few or the only person of color in a room at any given time and yet, I keep showing up, bringing my whole self, and speaking my truths. So I ask those of you in the majority to also show up and speak out. I ask you to educate yourself (there is a lot out there you can read and watch). Engage in important and, possibly, difficult conversations. Put yourself in situations where you are one of few or the only so you get a glimpse of what a person of color may experience on a daily basis. If you have friends, colleagues, and, perhaps even, family members of color, have you checked in on them? How are they doing? Do you talk with them about their lives experiences and really listen. Now, while race and being marginalized does have to be the only thing you talk to them about, but you should also not avoid the conversations because it may be hard or uncomfortable for you. Read books by authors of color and books that feature characters of color. Do the work. If you have children, don't think they're too young to have conversations about race and please, make sure that their books represent diverse voices. Teach your children to speak up when they see or hear discrimination, exclusion, and injustice in action; I also ask you to do the same. Be a true ally - not just in name, but in action. 

Brené Brown says that "fitting in is being accepted for being like everyone else, belonging is being accepted for who you are." 

I don't aspire to fit in because I am me and I am fabulous as I am. So if someone looks at me and questions my presence somewhere, let me make it simple for them .... I belong. I belong. I belong. And if that's a problem for them, perhaps they should leave. I'm not going anywhere. This is my home too. 

Post-Camp Exhale

Haaaaaah.....

As you may have guessed, that is the sound of me exhaling after my son's two weeks of sleepaway camp. Don't get me wrong. He was excited and I was excited for him. I was also nervous for him and hoping that all went well (aka no phone calls from camp). 

Just to recap, my very creative, curious, active, and funny son who is sometimes challenged by impulsivity, inattention, low frustration tolerance decided that he wanted to explore the opportunity and experience that is sleepaway camp. So that's what he did and we went all in by doing a full two week session. 

He's been back for two weeks now and we've both had time to reflect on the experience, the bumps, wins, and lessons learned. 

Lesson 1: "Mom please bring me sockes." (First letter home)

Before you write a letter home, double check your trunk to confirm that you don't actually have what you think you're missing. Needless to say, the sp Ms were packed in the trunk. Also, if you are writing with a request, you may also want to share a tid bit or two about things you're doing at camp. 

The win: he wrote to us

Lesson 2: Crochet, not croquet

It's important to pay attention and listen to the counselor slurs as they introduce each available clinic. My son ended up in crochet because he thought he was signing up for croquet. 

The win: he stuck with it, learned something, and actually enjoyed trying a new craft. 

Lesson 2: Cabin living is not without challenges 

My son experience homesickness the first night, but with the support of his counselors he got through it and was better the next day. Plus getting into a routine helps too. 

Secondly, living in a cabin means sharing a space to which you are all bringing different sleep and living habits. Hence letter 2.... "can I go home? it's miserable. Don't feel bad, I don't hate it. I haven't slept a lot lately. Someone keeps waking us up during the night." We received this letter four days before pick up. Our son going away to camp meant no extraction efforts would be employed regardless of sentiments expressed in letters. 

The win: he knows he has to figure it out since his parents won't bail him out at the first sign of discomfort and challenge. 

As concerned as I was about possible behavioral issues, my son walked away from camp having earned four beads for embodying each of the camp values: Caring, honesty, responsible, respect. #proudmommy

On top of the beads, he embraced many new experiences like sleeping in a cabin, fishing, crochet, polar bear swim (lake swim at 6am) and an overnight on treehouse. His curiosity makes him willing to try new things and, in this case, it's a good thing. 

The major win of the whole thing (outside of us receiving no calls) is that my son wants to go back next year and the next; he's even already starting thinking about wanting to be a counselor in the future and he'd be fabulous, if I do say so myself. 

Camp D-Day

Last Sunday was D-Day. Thanks right, the big camp drop-off day. My little guy is at camp for the two weeks. A destination two years in the making. 

My son proposed the idea of going to sleep away camp when he was seven years old had had been hearing kids at his day camp talk about how much fun they'd had at sleepaway camp. First, he asked about going the next year and I pushed it back one more and said we'd consider him going at nine years old. So, fast forward a year from his proposed idea. He hops in the car after day 1 of session 1 of his day camp and says:

P: "Mom, remember how last year you said I could go to away camp next year? Well can I go?"

Now, let's keep in mind that he can't remember to clean up his toys five minutes after I've asked him, but he can remember the conversation from a year ago. Typical. 

So, a promise of consideration is a promise of consideration. Plus, I wasn't opposed to him going, I just worried about some of his impulse control challenges and difficulties following directions, but we had a year to work on strengthening those skills. I wasn't sure what we were going to do about the him singing himself to sleep. That may just have to play itself out. So, I began researching. I cast the net wide to camps colleagues worked at in the summer, camps my students had attended, and ADHD camps. Brochures were requested. A few phone calls and email communications were had. Two site visits were done with my son in tow. Distance and costs mattered (i.e. The camp at the top of Maine on the way to Canada was a no-go for our first time camper).  Other than that, he got to make the choice. The site visits helped make it real for him and in the end he chose one of those, which I was glad about. 

As we drive the hourto camp, my son had what so many of us have experienced before - nervous excitement. He never admitted it out loud, but a parent knows. He was excited about this adventure and a little netvous about the unexpected. And like any parent on their kid's first day of anything new (school, camp, job, etc.), I too was nervous and just wanted him to have a good start, be treated nicely, treat others nicely, and make a new friend or two. 

Now, I don't really know how things are going. No news is good news in my book and calling the camp to check in, not my thing. I've seen some pictures from the first week on the camp photo website and my boy seems to be getting settled. 

What I do know for sure is the following:

* He's eating more dessert than he ever gets at home, so that's a win in his book. 

* He will ignore the self-addressed stamp envelopes and notes I included in his trunk despite receiving letters from home. (CORRECTION: we got one unsigned letter asking for socks, which were actually already packed in his trunk under his bunk; he provided no details about how camp was going.)

* He will have moments along the way and he will have to navigate through them

* He will most likely be dirty when I pick him up (he has plenty of underwear to offset the lack of showering...)

In the end, my son had an idea/goal, provided an argument for why he'd like to go, and now he's experiencing his first real adventure away from home. How can a parent not be proud? 😊

The Myth, Burden, and Reality of the Strong Black Woman

Inevitably after I am on a panel, I think of all the things I could have/should have said. While the topic of stereotypes came up, including the one of the angry black female, I wish I have addressed the myth, burden, and reality of the strong black woman. 

Why a myth, burden, and reality? Well, it's a myth because we aren't and can't strong all the time, nor should we have to be. Also, what does strong really mean? Does it mean stoic, tough, unfeeling, able to conquer all, and/or persevering? That is a lot to take on all the time, hence, the burden. This armor, if in place, can come at the cost of one's own physical and emotional well-being and health. For some, this is an armor built over time to deal with the micro- and macro- aggressions, microinvalidations, conscious and unconscious bias one has thrown at them at any given moment of any given day. The armor is protection. The armor is so that one can keep striving. The armor is to help combat the idea born in history that you are inferior and can't achieve. The armor takes the beating of everything that comes at you so you can go on. Under that same armor is some fatigue from the years of nicks and cuts. Fatigue comes from having to educate others often. Fatigue comes from speaking your truth and then having to make someone else feel comfortable. Fatigue comes for having to not seeing yourself reflected in the most spaces and places. Fatigue comes from the road you've traveled and from witnessing what those who come after you must endure as they build their armor. You can't protect them, you can only prepare them for what they may encounter, remind them of their greatness, and make sure that they know how to take care of themselves along the way. Sometimes it's by taking a breath in order to not react. Sometimes it's by taking a time out and stepping away to focus on oneself. Sometimes it's by reacting, in private. Sometimes it's by reminding oneself that you are enough and that you've got this. Often it's by being positive and unapologetically me because it's better than the alternative. I refuse to let someone else steal my joy or try to define me. So when it comes to the idea of the strong black woman is, the reality is that I'm only two of those three descriptors all the time, while the third is situational as determined by me, not you. 

How Diana, Nancy, and Anne shaped who I am

We all have those people in our lives we look up to, who inspire us, and who push us to be better than we were the day before. So when asked who has had an influence on your life, one may mention a parent, grandparent, teacher, boss, friend and the like. But what if some of the people who shaped you weren't real?

No, I do not live in a fantasy world and definitely know the difference between reality and make believe, but truth be told some of my influencers live within the pages of books. So, let me clarify exactly what I mean. When I think about some of the people who have influenced me when I was growing up I immediately think of Diana Prince, Nancy Drew, and Anne Shirley of Green Gables. While these women and I don't have much in common, I was still drawn to who they were, what they represented, and what they inspired in me.

The Amazon Warrior 
Diana Prince aka Wonder Woman, simply put, is a badass. She had pretty cool accessories- the bracelets, invisible plane, and, of course, the truth lasso. However, it's not just the accessories, it's her. She had such presence when she entered a space. She was smart, strong, confident, and fierce.

The Teen Sleuth
Nancy Drew is your everyday girl whose curiosity, ingenuity, resourcefulness, and true blue friends help her solve mysteries. Growing up it was hard not to be drawn to Nancy Drew and her adventurous nature. At the time I encountered Nancy Drew, I was on my own adventure living overseas for the first time at age 7 years old. While there were no secret passage ways or cases to solve where I was, there were lots of mysteries and things to be curious about.

The Kindred Spirit
Anne of Green Gables owned her story and embraced who she was. She refused to play small and went after her dreams. She also had a wonderful imagination, energy, confidence and strength that was admirable. The other thing about Anne is that she wasn't perfect and made mistakes along the way. However, her teacher Ms. Stacy's advice has always stuck with me, "tomorrow is always fresh, with no mistakes in it yet."

What all three of these characters shared was a strong sense of self, fierce independence, unwavering loyalty to loved ones, and a willingness to put oneself out there for what they believe in. It's not hard to see why a little girl like me would look up to these three.

p.s. In case you were concerned about my being influenced by fictional heroines, don't worry as future posts will feature real people who have also inspired me. 

My Friday Five: Transferable Skills

So we all know that there is no manual to this whole parenthood thing. Just when you think you've figured something out, the rules change and you have to figure it out. So this week's (late) Friday Five is about the transferable skills I have to pull from in my dean life to apply to my mom life.

Asking the Right Questions                                      
Sometimes we have to ask the right questions to get the heart of the matter. Most Mondays I receive an email about my son's behavior in music class, which often results in a lecture from me on the car ride home. So, it took me a while before I figured out that I was not asking the right question. What was the difference between last year's music class and this year's class? Well, that opened the door. His current music class is only singing and in past music classes there's been singing, movement, and interacting with instruments. We talk about encouraging our students to self-advocate and share feedback. So, that's what my son is doing. In his apology note for his behavior, he's also share those elements of past music classes that have helped him be more engaged.

Don't Ask a Question for Which You Know the Answer      
My son ate a whole container of cookies and cream ice cream. SMH. I grabbed the container from the freezer to give him a scoop for dessert and it was pretty empty despite having only been opened two days before. So instead of asking if he did it (neither my husband or I eat ice cream), I said "So, you've been sneaking ice cream outside of desert time, haven't you?"  To which he responded, "yessss" with slouchy shoulders and lowered eyes. No need to set him up to lie, instead I thanked him for his honesty, told him I appreciate it, and then told him he wouldn't be getting dessert for a couple of weeks.

The Meat of the Report Card
When I work with my students, I try to get them to see past the grade in order to get to the meat of the report cards, teacher comments. Recently, I had to do the same with my son who was happy with his M and P marks (no I's), but neglected to read the feedback. So, of course, I made him read it and share with me the themes of what's gone well (and why) and what could be better. Armed with this information, we have something to work with and information to help us come up with some strategies to address some of the areas of growth.

The Message and the Lesson 
Looking for the message and lesson in what we're watching. My son has been watching Full House, Fuller House, and Alex and Ally. So yes, he extracts bits of aspiration from these shows like wanting to be an exterminator for a minute like Uncle Jesse or developing an interest in going to Harvard. Once we get past some of that, we also get to talk about some of the episodic lessons about impact of choices, what it means to be there for someone, cancer, friendship, family, etc. In short, we unpack episodes aslessons in empathy.

The Real Learning
We talk about representation and how you can't be what you can't see. So having my son see 9 year old Yolanda Renee King speak at the March for our Lives in Washington DC shows him that you are never to young use the voice you have. So together we are listening and processing the speeches and moments taking place at the rally's across the country and world. My son's asking good questions as he seeks to understand. So while we may not be at a march, we are with them. Like all of our students, he has the power to change the world around him.

Setting My Mind For The Day

Making the home (or spring break) to school transition can be a bit jarring, so it's important for me to set my mind right for the school day each morning. So like so many people, I have an office morning routine to get me ready for whatever or whoever walks through my door that day.

I've always been an early bird (so it's no surprise that my 9 year old is up and raring to go at 6:30 am each morning). Being an early bird means I like to get to work before others arrive. I enjoy the quiet hum of the office, the calm before any potential storms, and to listen to a podcast episode or, if the mood strikes me, to crank up my music to pump some energy into my day.

Of course, my morning is not complete unless I've poured my English Breakfast tea. While colleagues and students are often surprised that I have never consumed coffee in my life, especially with the energy I bring to my day, tea will always be my go to morning beverage of choice. 

Perhaps you do something different to get your mind ready for the day. A morning workout? A cup of coffee? A ride in to work while listening to NPR? Whatever it is, make it your own. Morning routines should be personalized so they make sense for that individual. My morning may look different than yours, but these seemingly simple parts of my routine make a world of difference in getting me ready for when the 8:30am school bell rings. 

My Friday Five: 2018 NAIS Annual Conference

Introducing a new weekly blog feature where I'll share five moments, observations, experiences, or lessons from the week that inspired me, taught me, or for which I thankful. Please enjoy my first Friday Five.

So a week ago, I traveled to Atlanta for this year's National Association of Independent School's Annual Conference. While it was a relatively quick 33 hours on the ground, I walked away with some nuggets of inspirations and food for further thoughts. In this edition of My Friday Five, I wanted to share the five (of many) takeaways that stuck with me.


1. Students have to connect emotionally before any learning can happen. - Daisy Pellant, Breck School
This PechaKucha presentation (20 images x 20 seconds) delivered by The Breck School's Daisy Pellant, Director of the Peter Clark Center for Mind, Brain, and Education really got to the heart of what students need to learn. Students need an emotional connection. They need to know we care, that we believe they can do it, and that we're invested in who they are and in their potential for success.

2. Leadership is a behavior, not a position. Practice leadership is all aspects of your life so that when you do get a position, you are ready to behave as a leader. - Pearl Rock Kane, Klingenstein Center for Independent School Leadership
This quote really resonated with me as a school leader, but also as someone who works with aspiring student leaders. There is this bad trend for some students to try to rack up the leadership titles at school in the belief that this will help them in their college process. This can result in breath, but not depth. Let's get back to doing fewer things and doing them well. Also, we need to help students redefine what it means to be a leader. Just because you have a title, it does not make you a leader and not having a title doesn't mean that you aren't a leader. We need to help students learn to lead themselves first and to lead in all aspects of their life. They need to hone their leadership behavior first. This can look like a student speaking up against a wrongdoing, standing up for someone else, leading a discussion in class, and being a committed community service participant. It's about helping without being asked, having integrity, doing the right thing even when no one else is watching, being kind, showing up to class on time, or sitting with someone at lunch that you've never spoken to before. Let's help students focus more on leading with their actions, words, and post and less on titles.

3. “Listening as a storyteller requires you to empathize but also asks you to be a learner....How did you get here? What did your journey teach you? -  Sisonke Msimang, The Centre for Stories 
Everyone has a story and by listening to one's story we learn more about who they are, the oath they traveled, and those moments in their life that have truly shaped and influenced them. These stories may be humorous or challenging. They may have left us with lessons and helped us grown. They could just be simple moments of meaning, healing, and nostalgia. We are our stories.

                    Photo courtesy of @kawai_lai @naisnetwork 

4. Empower and Equip Students. Focus on the Do's, instead of the don't(s) - The Social Institute and Ravenscroft School 
Our students have sat through assembly after assembly about the evils of social media. So hearing about what the work The Social Media Institute was refreshing. It's time to reframe our approaches to talking about social media and teach students about the do's when it comes to social media. They aim to work with schools to "equip and empower" students. We should be working with students to become social leaders and to use social media positively and as a tool, not just as a toy.

5. Women are hired and promoted on what they've accomplished, while men are hired and promoted based on potential. - The Pathway to Leadership: Stories and Strategies from Women and People of Color Panel
There's research out there that focuses on how many women will make sure they have every credentialed box checked off before applying for that next level job or promotion, but many men will just go for it with less boxes checked. This research and the above quote are the things make you pause and reflect on how you may be holding yourself back or getting in your own way. Self-awareness is the first step in combatting that inner critic or inner narrative you have going on. Instead of why me, ask why not me? One of the stats that the panelists shared was that there are only approximately 7% heads of schools of color and I suspect that the percentage of female heads of color is even less. While this stat could be discouraging to some, I actually believe it should be a motivator to push even more to help move that needle.

          Photo courtesy of @mtsapatsaris

It's A Small World After All

I've always felt very fortunate to have had the opportunity to live overseas during my elementary through middle school years and to attend boarding school. Both of these experiences allowed me to meet people from literally all over the world. A lot of my perceptions about various countries and cultures are mostly based on my interaction with peers from all around the world and not on what I see on the news.
Often the world seems so vast and over time we lose touch with people, wonder what they've been up to, and perhaps are only connected to them by way of social media. However, as large as the world is, sometimes we are reminded just how small it is as well.
It's A Small World #1
Recently, I received a call from an old friend from my days in Nigeria. There I sat at my desk listening to a message (with my mouth open) as I heard a voice from the past, the 4th grade past.  You know a school experience is long lasting when you get a call from an American International School of Lagos friend you haven't seen in thirty-one years. Let me also share that I have very vivid memories of my time in Nigeria. I remember friends, teachers, four-square, first dances, and the like. These are the experiences in life that stick with you when you are living in a country that is not your own. So why the call from my old friend? He wanted to let me know that a young man he knows is considering attending the school I work at and that if he comes, I'd be his dean. Small World! It was really great catching up Byron after all these years! Let's just say we had a lot of years to cram into our call, but it was fun to learn about each others journey since Lagos. This random moment of reconnection is a reminder of how shared experiences really can bond people for life. #AIS4life


It's A Small World #2
So the blast from the past, it's a small world did not just stop with reconnecting with my 4th grade friend. At the end of that same weekend, I had an "it's a small world in boarding schools" moment when I saw a photo of my East Dorm adult from my first two years as a student at the Madeira School on a colleague's Facebook page. What was the connection? After some serious scrolling and connecting the dots, it turns out that my current colleague is the granddaughter of my house adult Sam King who would have been 93 years old that Sunday. Mind blown. I couldn't wait to see my colleague at lunch the next day and, of course, her first question was "Why did you like a picture on my grandmother on Facebook?" So I told her. It was so fun to share my memories of Sam with her granddaughter. It also reminded me of what I learned from Ms. King which was that you can be tough and hold students to high standards when it comes to behavior, while caring deeply about them and who they will become.

The world is smaller than we think, so treasure each moment, remember than you can learn something from everyone and every experience, and be mindful of how you treat people because there's always a chance that your paths will cross again.

Fighting through Imposter Syndrome on Career Day

So in this year of saying yes more often than I say no, I agreed to participate in this month's Greater Hartford Chapter of Jack & Jill, Inc.'s Black History Month Career Day. Participating meant being one of the Jack & Jill parents staffing a table and talking to the chapter children about my career. 

I will admit I was nervous about participating. Where was this nervousness coming from? It came from the fact that I questioned whether the children (who spend a lot of time in schools around educators) would be interested in hearing about my work as a dean. When you know that other career tables are being staffed by a psychiatrist (with mini model brains to giveaway), an engineer (with a cool experiment to show), a cardiologist, and sports broadcaster, you can see where why I was a bit nervous. 

What I will say is that my preparation for the career day forced me to be reflective and dig deep into my why and my what. I love my job and my students, so it really came down to sharing what, how, and why I do what I do. So in the end this is what I shared:

What

• Empower and encourage students
  
• Help students get involved in the school community and pursue their interests
  
• Ensure that students feel seen, heard, supported, and valued
• Help them develop leadership skills. 
• Help them learn to be accountable and responsible
• Help them learn and grow from their missteps
• Help them learn how to ask for help, use the resources, and make the most of their experience
• Be a champion for students

How 

• Meet with each of my students at the beginning of the year
  
• Attend their events (i.e. performances, athletics, presentations, etc.) and cheer them on 
  
• Send birthday cards and kudos email
  
• Listen and hear them out 
• Laugh with them
• Be intentional about character building conversations
• Real talk about life and legacies
• Be willing to have the more difficult, but necessary real world conversations

Why 

• To help students navigate the unpredictable waters of high school and get to graduation knowing more about who they are and what kind of impact they want to have in the world. 
  

While I can't really compete with the brain giveaways or engineering experiments, I know that it's educators who helped each of us at those tables get to where we are because they believed in us. I get to pay that forward and celebrate my students. So as a couple of children said after I shared my what, how, and why I do what I do, my job is pretty "cool."