It Doesn't Make It Hurt Less

This quote couldn't be more true. You just never know if you are saying the right thing, giving the right advice, or going to be able to protect them from all the challenges that will be thrown their way during their childhood journey. And when you feel that you've failed them, you hurt while they hurt.

Last week my son wanted to attend his school through 6th grade and this week he got mad about having to stay at his school. So what has happened to cause this change you ask? The teasing.

"Mommy, I'm mad because I have to go to my school for five more years."

"Sweetie, why does that make you mad?"

"I want to make new friends"

"Why?"

Pause...... "The third graders are picking on me and calling me a loser, dumb, and a baby."

What do you say to that? Well, we started by asking, "Well, what did you do when they said these things?"

"Well, I walked away."

"Did they stop?"

"No."

"Did you tell the teacher?"

"Yes."

"Did they stop after that?"

"For a little bit"

We tell them to walk away, ignore it, and seek help and yet it doesn't always make them stop and it doesn't always stop it from hurting. And my son is hurting right now. We know that teasing happens, but some teasing can be mean. Teasing can take a toll and impact confidence. School is hard enough without piling on the teasing. But how do you help your child deal with it and not be a target?  I want my son to confront this in a way that I couldn't when I was in middle school. I just took it, cried, and endured being excluded for the long two years at that school. My relief only came when it was time for my family to relocate to a new country for my mom's job. And why was I a target at that point? Well, doing well in school was just not cool. The thing is that through it all I knew I just had to bide my time until the next post. I knew I was a good person and that I wasn't going to dumb myself down or being any less than I was. Positive self-talk is not an easy thing during the tough times when all you want is to be accepted and included. However, I knew things were temporary and had more of a sense of myself at 11 years old than my son has right now at 7 years old. I had several years of school under my belt, he doesn't. He is still trying to figure things out, including where he fits in and why he makes the choices he makes. He wants to feel good in his educational space and I am not sure that that is happening any more. He is bright, creative, curious, and funny, but he is feeling like he does so much "wrong" and as a parent you hurt when you child hurts. So where does this leave us? I think we are going to have take another step in learning more about how he processes, makes decisions, and how his brain works because not knowing the whole story is not helping. I guess the old adage of "the more you know" comes into play here. The more we know, the more we (and his teachers) will be able to support him and help him understand himself. I have done a lot of reading and listened to related podcasts in the past couple of years and while I believe I know where the road is leading, along this journey I want to remember what child psychologist Ross Greene, PhD says which is "if kids could do well they would do well." As a dean and as a mom, it's a good thing to keep coming back to.

Excuse me? He did what? (a flashback to summer)

"I'm sorry did you say that my son peed in a trash basket?"

So not the call you expect to get after a long day of summer camp, but that is what the camp counselor on the other end of the phone was telling me. Yes, my sweet, active, curious, and, at times, impulsive son peed in the boys bathroom trash basket. We have started to get used to bracing for the event of the day or the week report, but this I did not expect. So, of course, when we speak to my son to ask him the dreaded unanswerable question of - "Why did you pee in the trash basket at camp?" - we get (after some shifting, stumbling, fumbling, and mumbling) the "I don't know". Ugh! Why do we keep holding out for the seven year old to give us more than that? Eventually, he got to a place where he told his that he had to really go potty. And once again for the record- he and his friend decided to pee in the basket. Please, do not miss the irony of the fact that they were in the bathroom with urinals and toilets. The truth is always somewhere in the middle and this middle says to me that he had to pee and someone (which could have been him) came up with this "funny" idea.
 

So this is just one piece in the bigger piece of trying to learn more about my son's learning and how he responds to things in the world. If I make it sound big, it's because it is and it has been a journey. You bear these children. You love them and hope for the best. Then you get thrown a curve ball. Moments. Incidents. How do you make sense of it all? Is it age? Is it the frontal lobe developing? Is it all of that and perhaps something more? You see it wasn't just the peeing in the basket. It was the fidgeting during circle time and the inability to deal when something doesn't go his way. It was the quick dash out of the classroom when he was frustrated (that he couldn't juggle 4 balls like the expert who has been doing it for years. yes, no one said they are always for logical reasons). It was all the buzz words - interrupting, impulsivity, low frustration tolerance, fidgeting, easily distracted, difficulty with transitions, etc. You start researching and listening to podcasts to figure out - how do I help and support my child. You do a lot of self talk of - he is kind, lovable, sweet and just being him. And then you get called into the principal's office for a meeting (another one) and the suggestion is put on the table - "We think you should have him assessed and evaluated. We have resources we can send you. Of course, ultimately it is your decision. We just want to be able to support him in the best ways we can."

So there you have it and here we are. Intellectually, and as an educator myself, I get it, but you still feel the weight of the world on your shoulders and in your heart when you are taking it all in. I have seen the signs and been doing the reading, but now what? How does this all work? How much does this all cost? What is it that he really needs? A neuropsych (the works)? A sensory evaluation (had to learn more about what that’s all about)? We are opting for the latter for now. No judgments and no labels. We are just trying to figure it out and learn more about what we could be doing at home, what he needs, and what can be done at school to support our spirited little man. And in the end, evaluations, testing, strategies, therapy may be where we start and sift through, but what he will always have from us, for sure, is our love and understanding that he is a heck of a kid (who peed in a basket in the boys bathroom at camp. Yup, haven't gotten over that yet). This parenting thing is not easy, but neither is being a kid, so I guess we're in this together for the long haul....and I wouldn't have it any other way (well, perhaps I could take one or two less "incident" reports).

Never Forget 9.11.01

(Photo Credit: Petty Officer 1st Class Brandan W. Schulze)

Fifteen years later and I still remember that day so vividly. It was a beautiful day and I was driving into work at ESPN when the first plan hit. I didn't know it happened until I reached the basement of Building 3 where my desk was. Everyone was gathered around the television watching the coverage. I joined them and it was then while we were watching that we witnessed the second plane crash into the World Trade Center. It was shocking and horrifying. After watching for a while I had to pull myself away because it was too devastating to watch. I found an available computer, screening deck, and phone. I called my mom at her office. At that, she was a foreign service officer working in the Joint Chiefs of Staff's office in the Pentagon. I called to see if she had heard what was going on (which I knew she had) and I knew she would not be able to tell me much. Being the child of a Foreign Service Officer meant that I knew she could only say so much and I would have to be okay with that. We only spoke for a few minutes and then I hung up and resumed screening footage. I don't remember how much time had passed, but my friend Tiffany came around the corner and said to me "Patricia, a plane just hit the Pentagon." My heart stopped and I took a deep breath. Thank you was all I could say and I tried to keep working. I knew there was no point in trying to reach my mother because I wouldn't be able to get through. I didn't want to call my father because I was sure that he was praying and there was nothing that either of us could say to comfort one another. We would have no answers. So like my two brothers and my sister, we kept moving forward and trying to do whatever we needed to do to distract ourselves while we waited. Waited, to hear something. I would learn later that my sister left work early because she was tired of getting all the questions. I didn't want to be alone at my apartment or alone with my thoughts so I kept working. It was the three and a half hours in my life. 

This was not the first time we have had to hold our breath when it has come to my mom. When we lived in Niamey, Niger there was some unrest that resulted in people throwing molotov cocktails at the USIS building. I heard about it from a friend whose parents were at the Canadian Embassy and I had to wait and hope that my mom would come home. My mom was also traveling in Eastern Africa for work when the bombings happened at the US Embassies in Dar es Salaam, Tanzania and in Nairobi, Kenya. Once again I had to wait. We used to joke that my mom had nine lives and that we wished she would stop scaring us. There was no jokes being made on September 11. Just a lot of waiting.

I was not the only person in my department waiting to hear about the Pentagon. Another colleague's father worked there too. So separately we worked and we waited. 

It was shortly after 1 p.m. when I got a call, the call from my mother. She was okay. The Joint Chiefs of Staff's office was not in the area that the plane crashed into. They had not felt the impact (due to the Pentagon's design), but were told to exit the building. Once outside she could see the smoke. Getting out of DC that day proved to be a challenge so she walked and was able to catch a ride from a kind stranger who took her across the Maryland border where the metro was running. When she finally arrived home, she was greeted by my father who was in tears on his knees rosary in hand. She made calls to my aunt (her sister) and to each of us children to let us know that she was okay. Then in true Claudia fashion, my mom went to take a nap. She was tired and this was how she coped and compartmentalized. 

When I got that call from my mother letting me know that she was okay, I broke down crying and then I went home. I was too spent to finish work that day. I also later learned that my colleague's father was safe as well. However, his office was in the area that the plan crashed into and on that day he was going into the office late.

I was lucky that day. My mom was where she was supposed to be and no where near the crash site, but that was not the case for many others. My heart breaks for all the families impacted that day. I mourn the loss of so many people. It is still a hard day for me. Yes, my pain is different than another's pain and does not compare to those who will never see their loved ones again. My mom doesn't really talk about it that much. She lost colleagues and it is hard. We have gone to the Pentagon Memorial together and I walked in the 9/11 Freedom Walk in 2007 on her behalf because she could make the walk. Tonight I will attend the Windsor (CT) Walk of Light community remembrance ceremony on the Town Green. I will bring my 7 1/2 year son and I will listen to my colleague speak about his father who he lost in the World Trade Center Towers. This afternoon was the first time I have spoken to my son about 9/11 and the first time he's heard about this day in history. A day in history is what it will be to him. When he gets older he will read about it in his history books and he'll ask me what if I remember where I was that day. And I will tell him that it is a day I will never forget.

An Every Day Survival Kit To Kick Off Senior Year

It's hard to know what will resonate with your students or what won't. While I may never know how the "every day survival kit" I gave to my RAs and prefects when we started training earlier this week landed with them, I truly believe that what the contents represent are good reminders for them as students, as leaders and as people. So I hope my seniors pay attention to the life lessons those  small tokens in the "kit" represent.

Lollipop: To help you lick your problems.

We have all faced some sort of setback or defeat. It may have been something major or  minor. Either way, once we have taken the time to heal and bounce back, we need to get back in the game. Wallowing in self-pity, blame, or defeat serves no one. And if one is having a hard time bouncing back on their own, turn to friends, family, or other resources for support. Sometimes we need a little help pulling ourselves back up.

Toothpick: To remind you to pick out the good qualities in others.

We know that we will not click with every one, but it's so important to try and see the good in everyone. We all have something of value to offer and if we don't stop to recognize that we may miss the  unique gifts of those around us.

Rubber Band: To remind you to be flexible, things might not always go the way you want, but they will work out.

How many times have we planned something out so perfectly only to have it not go as plan? When this happens, we need to be able to roll with it, adapt, and, at times, change course. I am a firm believer that everything happens for a reason. We may not always know that reason at the time, but hopefully we will be better and stronger for it. Things may even turn out better than you planned.

Band Aid: To remind you to heal hurt feelings, yours or someone else's.

We will get hurt along the way and we may hurt others along the way (unintentionally and possibly intentionally). It is so important that when the time calls for it to either let it go, forgive oneself, and/or apologize. Different situations will call for different things. We need to make sure we acknowledge when we have hurt someone and to sincerely apologize to them for our actions and/or our words. Also, we need to remember that saying "I was just kidding" is not an apology.

Pencil: To remind you to list your blessings every day.

We are so lucky. We are blessed with amazing family, friends, experiences, and opportunities. However, with all the wonderful things in our life, it is still easy to get sucked into a negative abyss. When we're in that place mentally we need to take a time out to remember that even through the challenges of life, we learn. The good and the bad teach us something. We have to make sure that we are open to seeing and learning from all the lessons along the way.

Eraser: To remind you that every one makes mistakes and it is ok.

We all make mistakes. The question is what will we do to correct that mistake and what will we learn from that mistake. We can't let the fear of making a mistake keep us from even trying. And as Lucy Maud Montgomery wrote in one of my favorite books, Anne of Green Gables, "isn't it nice to think that tomorrow is a new day without any mistakes in it yet?"

Tootsie Roll: To remind you to roll with the punches.

We can't plan for everything and curve balls will be thrown our way. When they are thrown or when we need to change direction, we must be willing to adapt and follow what may be a new glorious path.

Gum: To remind you to stick with it and you can accomplish anything.

There are so many times when we want to give up and thrown in the towel, but how amazing are things we accomplish when we don't.

Mint: To remind you that you are worth a mint.

We all bring value to our communities and to our families. We can never take that for granted. 

Candy Kiss: To remind you that everyone needs a compliment or a hug every day.

Pay attention to those around you who could benefit from a little but of kindness. It does not need to be a grand sweeping gesture. It can be a simple act of kindness like holding the door, saying good morning, and offering a smile. You just never know what difference you can make in someone's life with one small act.

Snickers: To remind you that laughter IS the best medicine.

A good 15 minute laugh can burn 10-15 calories a day. I am not one for counting calories, but it does sounds like a good hearty laugh does your body good. Can't argue with research.

Tea Bag: To remind you relax daily and reflect on all the positive things in your life.

We all need to take a moment to slow down, just breathe and practice a little bit of self-care and self-compassion.

In the end, the survival kit is about perspective and about life. The reminders of how to approach every day and the curve balls that may be thrown at us can serve many of us well. Even if you can't remember to use this as a guide every day for every challenge, you can just pick one piece of the toolkit to help you tackle that one thing on that one day. Wishing all of my seniors an amazing year. I can't wait to make memories with them and to celebrate all their big and small victories.

Me and the Class of 2017

"Mind over Matter"

This year my school's theme is "Mind over Matter". Now, I'll admit that intellectually I get the school theme and understand what mindfulness is in a basic level. I wasn't quite sure what approach our school would take exactly and how I would be able to incorporate it into my role as a dean. Enter Rebecca Pacheco, author of "Do Your Om Thing" (@omgal). While she did take us through a few breathing exercises that I know will come in hand throughout the school year, it was what she said that resonated with me. Meditation and being present is "Paying attention - on purpose- without judgement". Whoa! There it is. I may have never really seen meditation this way, put this was one of those "this applies to life" moments. Paying attention is about being in the here and now with oneself, with one's family, and with one's students (for those of us who are educators). Paying attention on purpose means being intentional about what you are doing and how you are listening. Paying attention on purpose without judgement means hearing someone out for the first time or for the hundredth time. Truly listening to what they are saying. Truly being in the moment with them. Paying attention to the said and to the unsaid. And doing all of these things with the intention. This is how I hope to be with my students this year.